Why Do So Many Men Die By Suicide
Have you ever seen a podcast that fundamentally changed your mind? It happened to to me. I’ve always been afraid to throw daylight on the topic of my own mental health, let alone for other people. It’s a scary, a highly personal issue, it smells of vulnerability and that experience leaves men feeling dangerously exposed. This is probably the very reason we should talk about this.
Just as a reminder this article was inspired by a conversation between Steven Bartlet and Dr. Alok Kanojia, on the Diary of the CEO podcast.
The Diary of a CEO, With DR. K
The podcast that altered my mind, and left me feeling empowered to even begin to approach this topic was an episode of The Diary of a CEO by the awesome Steven Bartlett. It takes two speakers at least, to have a great podcast and in this particular episode the guest was Dr. K (Dr. Alok Kanojia) who is an incredibly insightful and deeply empathetic guest.
Whatever interpretation or analysis I hope to apply via my own experiences will not do the original podcast justice, so please check out the original episode, this really has to be one of the most informed podcasts out there. It’s pretty nice to find a podcast that stays away firmly away from the whimsical topics.
Who am I to talk about this?
I hope to add my own thoughts and experiences. Mental health issues have been orbiting my world since I was young, I just never had the vocabulary and maturity to know that. I’m sure it much the same for you.
I don’t want to make a list, but I think I need mention a little of that, so that we are on the same page. I have battled with depression since my teens, suicidal thoughts have accompanied this most of my life. I still to different degrees suffer from loneliness, crippling self doubt, alcoholism, dyslexia and I am pretty sure I have had undiagnosed ADHD as well. I have been through many a difficult relationship, most of which I blame myself for. To top it all off, like many males lost both in my career and love.
These kinks and quirks have revealed themself slowly, and it’s been a process of self discovery. I know I am not alone, and this is the main reason for me doing this blog.
Who is Dr. K?
He is a top Harvard-trained psychiatrist and founder of the mental wellness platform HealthyGamerGG. His own experience, both professional and personal is a little unorthodox. The result is a deeply knowledge and more importantly relatable expert in the field of psychiatry.
Dr. K says:
“There’s a global crisis in masculinity,” Dr. K says. “There’s a reason men are killing themselves.”
This is the perfect and yet profound starting point both for the podcast and for this tentative overview.
The Silent Crisis, We Are Failing Men
Dr. K believes and has spoken about this in great length on The Diary Of CEO and other platforms. It’s not that therapy isn’t available because it is, and society is aware of that. The key factor here is the way we deal with boys and men, it’s the way we are told to act, behave, feel, discuss and show our emotions.
“We train men to suppress their feelings, to avoid introspection, and to define themselves solely by their usefulness — their productivity, their strength, their stoicism.” – Dr. K
Men are at a much higher risk of sucide than women, both in the UK and the USA. In the UK at least suicide is one of the leading causes of death of Men.
Men suffer in silence. I know I still do. Depression until very recently has plagued me most of my adult life. It has gotten better with age, but the potential to flip the switch is always there. Especially when it comes to love relationships and loss.
Do we ever get better from depression? I don’t know. I had the bloody thing before I even had a word for it. I thought it was normal. When I was able to identify it, and put a name to what I was going through it helped. However it still has taken me very close to actually taking my life. Learning that this torturous state was called depression, really was the first step, getting it mostly under control.
One of my coping mechanisms is still alcohol. I am not proud of that and I look forward to the day, when its not. I’m not quite at that place yet.
My Experience
The most important step in the process of getting a grip on depression for me was naming the beast. I never knew I it had name, I thought it was normal for everyone to have highs, then lows, suicidal poems and thoughts.
When it comes to relationships I also often give my partner the ability to make me happy, which means I give that same person the abilty to crush me also. No idea where that comes from. Frankly its dangerous.
Our Worth Is Not How Much Money We Have
Dr. K also openly addresses the role of being “the provider.” He cites the modern obsession with hustle culture, which I think we all see across most media platforms nowadays.
“Take away their job, their usefulness, and there’s nothing underneath.”
Today men are often still expected to be in that provider role or at least that’s how we view ourselves. Dr. K suggests that we are at risk of losing our feelings of self worth. When one of more of the following happens to us:
- When we are forced into unemployment from no fault of our own.
- We experience ill health.
- We age out of the job market.
These are devasting realities that many of us face. Personally I’m facing a challenge of age, just as some of you reading this article might be.
Living in a Tick Tok, social media world is particularly challenging, where everyone seems, successful, happier in their perfect world. It’s like living in a perpetual advertisement.
Then we are also living in this hyper connected world, but yet we are critically disconnected from meaningful human conversation.
My Experience
We all have to much potential in so many different ways. It’s not easy, but find what you enjoy doing and that’s a great place to start. For me chasing money has never made me happy, building something whether it be a website (like this) or a physical business makes most happy. Working for a dick, especially when I am tied to a desk, frankly has very dangerous repercussions on my mental state.
I have experienced working for somebody people two times, both were friends who thought they were doing me a good turn. Both experienced ended in a certain amount of bitterness on my part at least.
What has helped me is to seek out positive yet like minded people. Find those who will inspire you and not keep you down. It may involve a difficult period of turning away from toxic people, I avoid toxic people like the plague, even for short periods.
The only antidote I have for this in my life is pursuing the things I enjoy, and continually challenging myself in my career. The down side to this is I search for happiness in less healthy ways, and within less healthy relationships. Things often get better when I focus on the healthier ones.
Why Therapy Is Not Just For Women
One great inside got from this episode is the lack emtional tools men truly have. That’s another thing I feel I can relate to.
Dr. K says:
“We’ve never taught men to explore their inner world. No one has given them the language or permission.”
A simple heart felt question as “How are you feeling?” Can be a disturbing for many men, you know beyond that “yeah could be worse” or “still alive!” I know that these some of the replies that I throw around.
The difficulty might not be in the actually be the question itself, but the tools and we have to answer with.
How can we suddenly expect a man who has told to be stoic all his life and expected to lock things away, to suddenly find this language and courage of emotions to suddenly let his feelings pour out. Its just not going to happen like that. Its a process of mistakes, and learning. It’s almost a taboo for us to appear be “soft” or “feminine.
Dr. K argues in the podcast that there is a desperate need for men in today’s society, to be able to allowed to embrace a more wider form of masculinity.
I agree that men should allow for deeper introspection, without facing or fearing stigma. The people you can talk to, might not be people you think. It takes time to build a network.
My experience
I have recently found a network of friends. One is a father and son, another person who is much more straight laced. The common factor is they all care and listen, and they have issues too (very different ones at that). Find people who wont judge and preferably have been through the fire too.
Your friends are not perfect people, but neither are we. But they listen and we talk. It’s so powerful to know you have people going through similar struggles. A key thing is to listen as much as you talk. Never judge. Avoid people who just take from you,
Let’s Work On Redefining Who We Are
Throughout the episode, Dr. K calls for society redefine what perceive as being man. The truth we have the same emtional depth and needs as anyone else. In this modern era, the whole idea provider is flux. We need (perhaps always have) to dig deeper build more self-awareness and connections.
Dr. K says:
“Men are not broken. The models of masculinity they’ve been given are broken.”
There are some wonderful features of the traditional definition of masculinity, The desire to protect, to love, raise children and to provide. It’s not about re-inventing the wheel. Perhaps just tweaking a little, and more dimensions to it, more depth.
A real life experience
A friend of mine, an ex-colleague decided to jump of his building. Just a week before attending therapy session.
I saw the aftershocks it sent through my community. People were shocked, some people berated him, some cried, others seemed more concerned about the backstory and the intrigue.
Dr. K says:
“80% of all suicides are men with 50 of men never having any this history of mental issues.”
It is really horrific that the suicide rate among men is so high, and that so many die by suicide. It is important to note, that no matter the gender it’s truly awful that anyone feels so alone that they would even attempt suicide. Personally despite my darkest moments I have never quite attempted suicide, I’m luckier than many because I have never gone beyond the step of suicide ideation.
The impact left on some of his closet and dearest colleagues was profound. I witnessed that first hand. However I never witnessed the devastating repercussions that were experienced eft of his wife and two young children, I can only begin to imagine how they reacted, as well how damaging it is and still be remains on his children.
Not to over simply his personal experience, because I’m not a therapist. I know that many of us were left wondering what might have happened if he had, had a better support network from friends and professionals.
We weren’t close at that time in his life, but I wished he could talked to me, or at least someone like me. It could have made all the difference. At the same time I know how easy it is to say this after the fact.
I wish that there had been more systems in place for suicide prevention. I do believe that in general women are more likely to talk about suicide, or suicide attempts. I’m not a therapist so might simple be wrong about that.
Final Thoughts
This episode calls for us to be understood and not punished for who we are.
Dr. K says:
“You are not a problem to be solved. You are a person to be understood.”
We are all humans, and we need to take time to understand each other. Not just assign each other to our roles, gender or otherwise. We are complex, flawed and beautiful. We need to raise the next generation of males differently. There are great changes ahead, for humankind.
Our future is not about just surviving, because its not working for us men in particular. We have been conditioned, now we need to relearn as a society move beyond the quiet crisis we are currently in.
Credits:
This article is based on insights from The Diary of a CEO podcast, episode released March 7, 2024, featuring Dr. Alok Kanojia (Dr. K). All quotes are attributed to the original speaker and podcast. Listen to the full episode on your preferred platform to experience the full conversation.
itle: The Silent Suffering of Men: Dr. K on Masculinity, Mental Health, and Why It’s Time to Rethink What It Means to Be a Man
Based on the March 7, 2024 episode of The Diary of a CEO with Dr. Alok Kanojia
